MArriage is Despised by some and by others too much Coveted; the first sin against the Laws of Nature, and Divine Ordination; the last against their own Quiet; for those, that are in extraordinary hast for a Settlement, (as they call it) do commonly Advance their Expectation of Happiness, much beyond what they have Possessed in a Single Life, and many times the imaginary Heaven proves a Hell.
And though your changing your Condition, Dear Madam, had an extraordinary Prospect; yet I hear my last Letter, which was to wish you joy, found you in Sorrow; but I know you are too well Principl'd not to remember the time will come when the wicked cease from Troubling; the Weary will be at Rest; and if your Husband continues so Industrious to Torment you, as the World represents him, I believe you can expect little Rest till that time is come; unless it is by the inward Peace of a good Conscience, which no one can take from you, a Consolation which clamorous, gain-saying Wives, always loose; and which, I am sure, cannot be recompensed by any Point they gain; and since the Laws of God and Nations have given Man the Supream Authority in Marriage, we ought not first to accept them upon those Terms, and then Mutiny upon all Occasions, as often as the Terms are uneasy to us; for though some Men are so kind as to make our Yoke sit light upon us; yet we take them for better or worse; and experience shews us, that the Odds are on the Worser side.
All this we should consider before we engage our selves in those strict Ties, which obliges us to deny our own Inclinations, if They require it; and to make it our Study to comply with Theirs. This Lesson even Human Policy will Teach us, for if we make a Man's Home less agreeable to him, than any other place, we furnish him with a good Excuse to go abroad; which can never be to the advantage of the Family, for those men whom business does not call out to get money, are sure to spend it; and he that is driven from home by a wife's ill humor, is generally more Extravagant, and thinks, he has a better pretence to be so, nay, sometimes the Provocation runs so high, as to make him Sacrifice his Body and Soul too, as well as Estate to his revenge.
Some women indeed will divert themselves, and not seem to value it, and instead of indeavouring to win their husbands by Complaisency, turn as Extravagant as they, and strive to light the Candle at both Ends; tho they know it must at last burn their fingers, and if they can neither Jump in affection nor wit, will yet Sympathise with them in their folly and excursions; but they seldom fail of suffering by their rashness, and the farther they run out, the sooner they find a check upon their expences, besides, if they should preserve their honesty, yet they undergo the certain loss of their reputation, which is, to be valued infinitely more than their Recreations; and if they hope at last that this careless way will Reclaim the men; I fear they find themselves mistaken, however, we ought not to do Evil, that good may come of it.
But, I, most of all, wonder at some of our Acquaintance, who seem to be sober women, and to have good sense, and yet recommend it, as the best way to deal with a passionate husband, to be more unreasonable and passionate than He. Such bawling may perhaps silence some few men, and would be more pardonable if God as well as man were to be silenced by it, but our Religion tells us, we must not be overcome of Evil, but overcome Evil with Good, which name I presume the greatest Patroness of equal power dares not bestow upon contention, contention sets all the world in a Flame, and is indeed good for nothing in the world, and King Solomon (who is pretty often in the right) says it only comes from Pride. God grant us, so true a sense of our unworthiness, as may abate that high conceit which makes us unable to bear a contradiction; you will wonder perhaps to hear me preach, and yet I cannot forbear to tell you that our Blessed Saviour Commands us, not to do, as we are done by, but as we would have others do to us; and if they are sometimes wanting in the return, I doubt we are much oftner remiss in setting the Example, not at all regarding the strict precepts and pattetn he left us, of Love and Gentleness to each other, which himself exercised to his most barbarous Enemies, during his stay upon the Earth, and does still exercise in his intercession for us in Heaven; he bids us learn of him, For he is meek and lowly, and our Souls shall find rest; And if meekness is the way to be at rest, why should any Argument prevail with us to leave it, or what can we hope to get by our perverseness, but the discomposing of both our Bodies and Souls? St. James says, The tongue is an unruly Member, and set on fire of Hell, which flame never appears so black, as when a woman takes the liberty to speak, against her husband, all the picquant things which the Devil, or her Resentment, which is a kind of Devil inspires her with. We commonly say, that a madman is possess'd, and every one, that is not in a rage himself, will allow passion to be a temporary madness, that makes men act as irrationally as Lunaticks, tho not as excusably as they; because they have not the same miserable resistless distemper, to plead for the involuntary wrongs they do. Now these their furious Representatives will perhaps tell you, that theirs also is a natural Infirmity, a violent Distemper which they strive against, what force they offer to their Inclinations themseves know best, for very little effects of it are visible to others; however, these imperious men imagine, that pretence will sweeten the matter, and make us swallow the bitter draught, but what can justify women whom God has made of a milder temper, if they should take pains to change their Dispositions, only in hopes of a little better treatment for the present, (which they may fail of too) and at the same time set aside that patient abiding of the meek, which God has promis'd with an Oath that it shall not perish for ever? It must therefore necessarily be a distrust of his promises to recompence our Patience, or preferring a little Momentary satisfaction before any reward he designs us, that (after such incouragement) can carry us to wrath and peevishness, which tho it may gratify our passion to let it out, yet our reason will quickly wish it in a gain; if a husband is unkind and difficult, it is a great affliction, and the holy Scripture tells us, all things of that nature are grievous, but as contrary as they are to flesh and blood, we are sensible they arise not from the dust, and that it is not for us to contend with our Maker. He that can with a word controul the Fury of the Winds and Seas, can, with as little trouble, avert any storm that threatens us, when he sees us fit for the mercy of a Deliverance; and if we should attempt by any invention of our own to shake off the Yoke, or think by struggling to make the Chain sit looser upon us; we should perceive our selves much in the wrong, like birds taken in a net, who, by beating their feathers off, increase their Misery, and at the same time disable themselves from making their escape, those amongst us that have been so obliging, never to deserve an ill word from our Persecutors, must acknowledge we every day merit God's Chastisements, and know that wicked and unreasonable Men are a Sword of his, and this Sword does indeed wound us the deeper, the more we love the hand which he imploys to correct us; but how sharp soever it is we should not repine, considering the first cause is to humble us, in order to draw us nearer to himself. He has said those, that have suffered, have ceased to sin, and when we arrive to that degree of perfection, we shall doubtless be free from all our sufferings, but as long as we continue to offend, we shall be punished either in this world, or, what is infinitely worse, in the world to come; where the Worm never dies, and where the Fire is never quenched.
But setting all religious Motives to quietness a part, it is a very silly thing for people to quarrel, who must be friends again, unless they are indifferent in the point, choosing rather to live asunder than submit silently to many things that they cannot approve; I will not pretend to Determine what provocation is sufficient to justify such a breach, nor to say that such a breach cannot be justify'd, since much better Women than my self have parted from their husbands; but they seem sincerely to lament the separation, nor does their carriage accuse them to have done it lightly, or upon the account of taking their pleasures, which would soon be discovered, for, in such Circumstances, many eyes are upon them, and they must live more reserved than the rest of the world, or else they would quickly be liable to such a censure, as must vindicate their husbands for leaving them.
And tho in all quarrels betwixt a man and his wife, if it come to a hot dispute, there is faults in both Parties, yet the weaker vessel is so little considered for being weak, that they are blamed sometimes much more than they deserve; which censure they can no ways prevent so well as by a strict observance of their duties, and indeavouring, in all their Actions to have a Conscience void of offence, towards God and towards Men. Nothing upon Earth can be said to afford a real satisfaction, only as our Imagination makes it appear so at a distance, and this prospect of happiness is dressed by fancy in such various shapes, that what would be a delight to one, would be a pennance to another; and age or possession does sometimes give the same persons such different gusto's, that they grow sick of the very thing they languished for before; this is probably the reason why old people are so much for denying young ones, the Innocent Diversions they are grown weary of themselves; tho perhaps at the same time they gratify their own foible in some other kind, at least as ridiculous, but if there were any intrinsick worth in whatever worldly thing, we are importunately Solicitous about, would any Parent be so inhumane to abridge their Children of it, more than they do of the common mercies God allows, of eating, drinking, and sleeping, which every body acknowledges to be good; and so they must our other Injoyments too, had not experience evinced an imperfection in them enough to baulk our Appetites?
It is this contrariety in wills that makes Matrimony so uneasy, for when each sets up a several Diana to worship, their hearts cannot be full of affection to one another, and if both are bigotted to their own ways, it too often ruines not only themselves, but their innocent children, a sad effect of their Divisions which they are not aware of, and yet must dearly answer for hereafter.
But you, Madam, are not in danger of this error being of too complying a nature, to bring your self and others into any inconveniency upon that score, and I rejoice extreamly to hear how unmoved you appear under so great a Provocation; for I confess, I think a husband's keeping another before one's eyes, is the unkindest thing he can do, yet even in that case, it is most prudent to shew no frowardness; for the mistress will be sure to entertain him with mirth and caressing, which will make the wife's frowns seem more intolerable, and such women never fail to magnify all Domestick Accidents. These are indeed the chiefest estrangers of Conjugal Love, for Them the Gentlemen put on their best Countenances, and with them they pass their most pleasant hours, the indignation is reserved for the wife of the Bosom, who must have a share in nothing but the Grievances, till at last they are partners in their wants; which commonly attend such courses; some few instances we have had of husbands who have been reclaimed by a wife's tenderness, before the intrigue has gone too far, but I think, none was ever hectored out of it; but I suppose the hen-peck'd Sparks, that are under such Correction, dare not presume to give such offence. However, I am sure, you are very much in the right only to tell him, with all imaginable Gentleness, your sentiments of the matter, and to pray to God to convert him: Some Gentlemen, are so kind to their wives, as to indeavour to conceal their falsehood, which if they do, it is very indiscreet for the Ladies to be so curious to enquire into it, and they are none of their friends that give them the information; he, that goes about to hide his Amour, shews either a sense of shame, or regard to his Spouse, and that may in time wean them from such Company; it is a sign at least he does not desire to grieve her, which most men esteem their great Prerogative, and would loose half their satisfaction in their intrigues, if the wife were not tormented by it, tho there are those that have stretched the string till it has broke, and with such treatment it can only be an extraordinary Principle, that keeps any woman from returning the Compliment, to which Pride and Revenge will both incline her, for a Gallant's Admiration repairs the affront which a husband puts upon her Charms, by giving her place to another that is perhaps less handsom than her self. This has been thought a plausible excuse by several women, that, upon their husbands runing astray, have diverted their Melancholly hours to the loss of their honour; and the continual discord of their house, unless they agree (like a couple I have heard of) to assist, rather than interrupt one another's harlotery, which is an agreement more scandalous and more dangerous than any quarrel. But whatever I have said of mutual failings, I do not make any Comparison in favour of my own Sex; for I know the wrong is infinitely greater in the wife, as she may bring another Man's child to inherit an Estate, and the crime more detestable, Modesty being the highest Ornament of Woman-kind, which makes their casting it off a sin both against God and Nature, and tho it gratifies some of their passions, yet is sure to lead them into many strange Inconveniencies here; (besides what they must expect hereafter) I should not have mentioned any thing upon this subject, but that you know more already of your husband's taking liberty in that way, than I have spoke of; and I wish with all my heart that it had been in my power, to have spared you the trouble of being sensible that he is guilty, but he depends so much upon your goodness, as to make your own eyes your informers, which I would ne'r have been, having felt too much of the plague of Jealousie to infect my friend, tho my case (and yours I believe too) is not properly to be called Jealousy but Assurance; for Jealousy is Suspicion, and I did not mistrust any thing of my husband's falsehood, till it was too plain to deserve that name, and therefore did not owe my torment to any inquisitiveness of my own, no more than I perceive you do, I always thought it very foolish, to search into what would be so unwelcome if it were discovered.
But now, since it has pleased the all-wise disposer of our fates, to make our misfortunes visible to us, and all that knows us, let us in the first place humbly beseech him, to grant that these afflictions may turn to the good of the Souls, and in the next place, try, by all the ingaging means we can, to supplant the invaders of our rights, and recover our alienated Masters, in which attempt, tho our kindness has hitherto proved ineffectual, yet if we continue in spite of all their slights, to take care never to offend them, it will certainly either before our Deaths, or after, give them a sense that we merited a faithfuller return, and may be useful to them in making this, and all their other vices more odious to their remembrance at last, tho mistresses and wine may for a time divert these reflections for the present, but wine is a small transgression when named after the other, unless it be in some ill natur'd, ill temper'd Man, whom drink always puts upon the fret and makes them apt to quarrel with every thing they see, if it be true (as I hear by common report) that your Spouse is often in that humour; I am sure, it is safest for you at that time to avoid him, if he will permit it; but if he is resolved, Drunk and Sober, to persecute you, there is no remedy but patience.
This sort of Debauchery is a very Slovenly Qualification; but is a vertue compared to Gaming, for when that bewitches a Man, either with, or without the Bottle, it makes his wife and children too (if he have any) much more unhappy; He that Drinks and Plays both, ought to be confined as a Prisoner to his Chamber, or else in a short time he may lie in the streets; not that I think, it is a wife's office to secure him there, but, if he has a grain of understanding left, he ought to secure himself, tho it were only in kindness to his Family, and not be so shamefully and blindly led, by the rooks and setters of the Town, who live plentifully out of their Cullys pockets, in the mean time the poor wife is like to get but little rest, that has her husband fall'n into their Clutches, whether they send him home with his head full, or only with his pocket empty, her disturbance is much the same, for tho they perhaps may manage him so well as to make him pleasant in company, yet when they have bit him, he begins to smart, as soon as he begins to cool and generally returns in fury to his own bed; however, the person, that is sensible of her husband's being in this hazard, must needs be disturbed all night by the apprehensions, that before morning they may have nothing left, and towards day she hears him cursing and damning his ill luck, when chance had nothing to do in the matter; the Plot being laid too deep for the Dice to help him. Now having no money left, one would think he should sleep the quieter (since he is not in fear of thieves) but instead of that, he lies studying where to get a little more cash to fetch the rest back, as he thinks, tho in reality it is to fling after that which is never to be retrieved; if his wife has any Gold or Jewels, perhaps he may condescend to give her good words that she may part with them, with the more privacy (being out of Countenance at first to have his faults known) but when she can no longer be serviceable to supply him, he grumbles at her most necessary expences, because he has so much the less to throw away.
This must be a cutting thing to those who have bred their children like people of fashion; having the prospect of an Estate suitable to it; and when they grow up, to see them reduced to beggery, by their father's obstinate vanity of shaking his Elbows.
Yet in this, and all occasions there is a place where we may find comfort, if we apply our selves rightly to it, and lay up our treasure where neither moth nor rust can deprive us, nor any cruel husband squander it a way; He that provides for the young ravens will not be less merciful to us and ours, when we cry to him and depend upon him for succour, and to make us less Solicitous about the time to come, he has told us that sufficient to the day is evil thereof, and really I believe very few married women, find any one day without evil enough, to exercise their patience with, for as soon as hony moon is over the blades begin to shew us, that tho they have Deify'd us hitherto, yet they thought us no better than poor silly Mortals all the while, whom they flatter only in order to oppress, and instead of the Airy promises they have elevated us withal, when we think to take home our slaves, we perceive we have caught a Tartar; perhaps some women that know my opinion will say, the worst of husbands is good enough for me; because I am so much for an intire submission to their wills in every thing that is not sinful, and I know this maxim is an abomination to all high Spirited Ladies, and most odious to the unmarried; whom the Gentlemen are so sweet upon, as make them believe they will be Governed by them to all Eternity, which Imagination is too pleasing to be removed, by any bodie's Experience but their own.
For my part, if I commit a fault against my Sex in being for so much Resignation, they must pardon me, for all my acquaintance would answer for me, if I appealed to them, that I cannot advise others to more obedience than I practise my self; and I intreat them that despise me, as being a tame fool for doing so, that they would banish all anger out of their breasts for one year, and then tell me if they have not more content in forgiving then returning a reproach: I do not pretend to be so free from gall, but that I could sometimes express a resentment, if such thoughts were not supprest by duty more than fear, I mean the fear of anger, from those that are the first aggressors, but being sudden heats distract the mind, and take it from the service of God; we cannot watch too strictly against an inbred Enemy that will destroy us, if we do not keep it under, whose Dictates we have less excuse to follow that are of a colder, than they of a more fiery Constitution; yet without the assistance of our Heavenly Father, the Devil would suggest Malice enough into any of us, to make us like himself, whom let us carefully avoid in all temptations; and then we shall be sure to meet once more to our Everlasting joy, then will all these tribulations appear, if we can hear that happy sound, Blessed are ye that mourn, for you shall be comforted, not that I take it to be meant for Mourning after the goods of this Life, (tho I hope we shall be pardoned for natural sorrow) but I trust in his mercy that in the midst of all tempestuous thoughts within us, his comforts shall refresh our Souls. I fear I have already exceeded the bounds of a Letter, for which I ought to make an Apology, but more words would give you more trouble, therefore I will only beg you to excuse and Love. Yours, &c.