AN

ESSAY

OF

Freindship.

BEING

A Letter to a Friend, who was in Distress.

I Am extreamly concerned to see you have so ill an opinion of me, as to hide your self from me in your misfortune, and let me hear it by another hand; I know not how to interpret this shyness in you, it makes me fear you never esteemed me worthy of your friendship, if you could imagin the change of your Circumstances should alter my Love; I had a different notion of our mutual obligations, and should have thought it a wrong to your generous temper, to have concealed any thing of consequence that had hapned to me, tho it had been to lessen me never so much in the world (which respects people according to the port they live in); I hoped till now you had put the same confidence me, who had nothing to recommend me to your favour, but the plain sincerity of Soul; if you should not be welcome to me in the meanest habit, I could not deserve your company at all; but far be such mercenary base inclinations from my breast, who have more pleasure in dividing a small fortune with my friends, then in hoarding up, or injoying the greatest treasures without them; and since I never valued any person for having a splendid equipage, I am extreamly confounded to find I have appeared so unlike my self to you, (for what else can make you avoid me, when it is in my power to be serviceable to you, unless you question my will to do it) I dare not quarrel with you now, lest it confirms your design of breaking our correspondence, which is as dear to me as ever, yet give me leave to complain of a greater loss then yours, the loss of my Friend; for now I perceive it is in the power of adverse fortune, to draw you from me; and let me tell you, those apprehensions that made you estrange your self, must at the same time accuse me of Pride and Coveteousness, as well as ingratitude, the first of which sins would be more unpardonable in me, then the rest of my Sex; but I always knew my own defects well enough to stifle any such suggestions; nor could I ever boast of any advantage so much, as being made happy by your kindness; and since every Soul is not capable of faithfulness, the Character you gave of me for being so, together with your distinguishing me in your confidence, above the rest of your friends, did indeed elevate me with joy (tho not to ostentation) but you have sufficiently mortifyed me now, by shewing me your trust was not absolute; and that you believed I loved you only as long as you were in humor for Diversions, or else I had some sinister ends, which are disappointed by this turn in your affairs; I think I can scarce be charged with crimes I have a much greater antipathy to then these I have mentioned, as Coveteousness is the root of all Evil, it is an Enemy to all good, (which I must ever account Friendship to be) that person that delights only in money can have no lasting satisfaction, for as it is the nature of riches to make themselves wings, and fly away, the miser that locks them never so fast in his trunk, is so sensible of their fleeting qualities, that he has as many racking meditations about them, as if they were already out of his reach, his sleep is interrupted and all tyes of nature are broke; he regards a poor relation with as much aversion and caution as he can do a theif; as for Fendship he has not the impudence (or as he thinks weakness) to pretend to it, lest he bring in a partner to his wealth; for many of those sordid wretches, will acknowledge such an intimacy does oblige us to the utmost of our powers, to help each other, and therefore they not being desirous to give a title to any part of their Estate, will keep out of the temptation; by which means, they want the chiefest comfort of humane life; a Coveteous Man after many years denying himself all Conveniencies (as well as duties) if he gets the reputation of being rich, may be courted by them who have an expectation from him, but he receives their addresses very warily, being conscious to himself, that he deserves nothing of civility, and jealous still of a design upon his Coffers, where he knows his only attraction lies; if he gets any presents upon trust of a double return at his Death, this Janus may look with smiles upon his Benefactors, but his affectionate face is always fixt towards his Gold; which yet he knows not how soon he must leave, if it does not leave him first; but sometimes the miserable wretch meets a disappointment in his darling hopes; and by an unforeseen fate is reduced to the real want, which his greedy desire of money imposed upon him, even in the midst of plenty; he may then too late wish he had made himself friends, with the Mammon of unrighteousness, for he finds no body willing to receive him, and does in vain groan for that blessing which he declined in his prosperity, and would have proved of more advantage then all his ill got treasure; I mean a true friend, for they will not be wanting to help and to assist one another, in all exigencies, with their purse and advise; but they that will know no body when it is in their power to oblige, will find no body know them in their extremity; as a late French Author well observes, out of whose ingenious writings I have collected some choice remarks, which I hope may be not only an entertainment, but an assistance to you in your present circumstances. The world is grown so very bad, that there is little faith left amongst us; nor gratitude for any kindness, the best services are too often the worst requited; we should therefore observe peoples behaviour, in their Correspondencies with others, not to imitate their treachery, but to stand so much upon our guard that we may not be sufferers by it; Those that are too easy to believe, do many times when it is too late find themselves mistaken, yet we ought to be cautious in shewing a distrust of the truth of another, that being an unnecessary rudeness unto them, and if it amounts to the degree of suspecting every body, it is an indication of falsehood in our selves, for a lyer can neither believe nor be believed; but upon the first report of any thing, it is most prudent to suspend our Judgment, unless we know the integrity of him that speaks it; yet the safest way of all to avoid being partial, is not to make any conclusion till we hear both sides; how unjust are they, whose understandings are so ingaged towards one party, that truth can make no impression on them; but continue wedded to their opinion, beyond the power of reason to separate them from it; the best interpretation that can possibly be put upon such pernicious practises, is a defect in their capacity; tho 'tis ten to one their honesty is chiefly suspected and most in fault: The greatest part of our life is spent in information, and that which is visible to us is least essential; we take most things on the words of others, and that makes us generally imposed upon; we commonly know the truth of what we see, but seldom of what we hear, especially if it come from far (which should make us more circumspect in what we give credit to) for when a relation of a thing has passed through several hands, it has so many glosses put upon it by the passions, or interest of them that recount it, as makes it never arrive pure and unmixt to our ears; Let us therefore consider, whether they which speak of any person, or thing are unbyass'd; and if they are not, we must give grains of allowance for their praises, and much more for their dispraises, since the depraved temper of most men is stronglier inclined to be spightful, then good natured; it is those slanders that are spoken behind our backs (to undiscerning men) that does us mischief, for a wise person will gain a greater advantage from the censure of their enemies, for what they do amiss, if they hear it, then a fool will take from the advice of his friends, which seldom prevails with him; the envious holds a glass to shew us our faults, and we ought to correct them in our selves, and not retaliate their railings.

We should indeavour to live peaceable with every body, and disoblige none willingly; for any person is capable of being an enemy, but not all of doing friendships; nor is it prudent to be over forward in ingaging our selves in any tyes, either in Love or Friendship (more then what Christianity commands us to have for all men) yet when we have made a Protestation of Amity, no generous Soul will brake the correspondence, tho they meet some inconveniencies in it; but if the division is inevitable, will be sure it shall be justifyable on their sides; however, both parties will be condemned, where there is a rupture betwixt friends, either for want of consideration in the beginning, or of constancy in the end; the spectators of their differences do every one represent it as they please, (or at least as they think), and they Judge according as they Love; it is better to decline making a promise then to repent of it afterwards; a disobliged friend often proves the worst of enemies, and where you find a disappointment in them, a coldness is better then a quarrel; for contention generally ruines our reputation, emulation causing people to discover those failings, that our civility had made them overlook; the heat of dispute Animates the Spirits, and raises up that infamy which was dead before; our Antagonists thinking to confound if they cannot confute us, begin with a manifesto of invectives, (that is supposing them as ill as they set us forth to be) for those are Arms unworthy a vertuous person to make use of; Let us therefore strive to have a concern with none that are not so, their goodness being a defence against ill language as well as falsehood; for they would always act like themselves; but there is no security, when we treat with those that are not guided by Reason nor Justice▪ with such we should not have a difference, and much less contract a friendship, for whatsoever affection we must express, we must remember all is not Gold that glisters, and theirs is subject to a base alloy, which is apparent enough to make us fly them, that have no Principles of honour, for honour is the truest pledge of faithfulness, and we can be safe with none without it.

The greatest benefit we can receive from riches, is their enabling us to do more good then those that have less; a good estate is a charge that we must give an account of, and leads us into many inconveniencies, if we have no friend to regulate our unruly Appetites. A person that is rich is certainly flattered, and they must love us very well, that will venture their own interests to represent us truly to our selves; which is the most requisite of any knowledge, tho it is unwillingly received by most people; a proud Man is hurried into many other vices, because none dares show him the odiousness of his carriage; for he that keeps all his acqaintance at a distance, if he is falling down a precipice has no body near enough to stop him; but a friend will kindly advertise us of those evils, for the which an enemy would expose us, and perhaps the very people who have betrayed us into it, shall be the first to trumpet our disgrace; such treatment is absolutely against the Laws of Friendship, since that injoyns us to conceal, as well as strive to rectify each others errors; and is a chain that proves of greater security to us, the more firmly it is linked; he that stands alone, cannot be so strong as he that is supported, nor is any help (from this world) so ready and substantial, as that which proceeds from a true affection; tho alas, there is but little of that to be found in the age we live in, and it is this decay of kindness, which occasions the ruine of so many families, for if there are several branches, it is not likely they should all be prosperous, but where they are united they seldom fall; we were born, next to serving God, to serve our Neighbours, and especially those of our own blood, which may be Policy as well as Duty, since we all want assistance in our turns, and a rich person has as much need of Counsel as one in a meaner Station has of relief; but whatsoever our Circumstances are, we should omit no opportunity of being serviceable to the rest of mankind; those that have a considerable fortune to dispose of, should let their friends injoy a necessary share of it so easily, that it may not appear like a gift, but as if they had an equal Title to it; and in all conditions we should aid the distressed to the utmost of our power, never following their examples, who are morose to all about them, not only to avoid the trouble of obliging, but from an Antipathy they have to all good nature; directly opposite to the Divine goodness, who is incessantly communicating his benefits to us; we ought in prudence to manage our Conversation with such an agreeable pleasantness (bounded by discretion) that people may delight in our companies; for all the goods of this life would be worth nothing, if we were to possess them alone, but we are sure to have either friends or enemies about us; and almost every day ingages the world to be more or less kind to us; let us therefore carry our selves so, that tho we do not desire to make many confidents, we may at least gain the esteem of all that know us; for with friends all things are well accepted that are meant so; they put no ill constructions upon each others words; kindness sweetens all our cares, and takes away the constraint we are in before them, that are indifferent or spightful to us; as in Summer we must provide against Winter, we should make our selves so well beloved in prosperity, as to reap the fruit of it in adversity; if we have an alteration in our affairs, which are subject to mutation as long as we continue upon Earth, and some have been forced to crouch to those they once disdained to smile on; Humility and Complacensy have this reward, that they never fail to bring glory to those that exercise them, they add a lustre to the brightest ornaments, and if a change of fortune happens, their beauty is not sullied by Poverty; for the honour of an humble person remains, tho all their other circumstances are altered, and an obliging word or look costs us nothing; therefore we may afford that; when we are reduced never so low, it will not only procure us esteem whilst we live, but make us be lamented when we die; a mild and charitable person imprints such Love, such Reverence in all that know him, as will not end with his life, but his memory will be respected; and when he goes from this world, it will be to his own comfort and other peoples grief; whilst a severe haughty man, tho he hugs himself with the conceit of keeping others in awe, will not only fall unpittied, but being considered for nothing besides his power to do mischief, if his Station alters, will find that fear turned into hatred; nor can his death be regretted, it being for the publick good to have so ill an example removed.

If incivility proceeds from Pride, it is a base effect from a worse cause, which never proves of advantage to those that nourish it; if it is from ignorance, we shall be dispised for not informing our selves better, since those who have not had an opportunity of fine breeding, may learn a civil candescention; and that we owe to every body, even our very enemies, for we must pity and assist them in their necessities, and neither affront them nor proclaim their failings; it is a sign of our leading an ill life, if we carry a register of the wicked actions of others, and it is the consolation of fools only to be satisfyed with their own sins, because another's are of something a deeper dye; yet too many are as violent in decrying those debaucheries they imitate, as if they were provoked by the steps they made in Vice beyond themselves, and whilst they rail, still run to overtake them.

Let us on the contrary, be strict in observing our own ways, and easy in the interpretation we put upon others.

A generous person will speak well of those that are not his friends, as far as truth permits, and where he cannot, will be silent; since it is much better to be so, then to say that which will prostitute our Neighbours reputation; but to magnify his faults with all the severity we can invent, is to make our tongues like the poison of a Serpent, whose bite is mortal, and will render us as detestable as they are.

A wise man will be moderate to all his discourses, and particularly in giving the Character of others, not being transported into a heat, whether they are friends or enemies he mentions; nor hyperbolizing in the commendation of people that are deserving, for excessive praise awakens curiosity, and provokes envy to look into their failings; and every one appears the worse that has been too much extolled before hand; but besides the disadvantage we bring upon our friends, in having so mighty expectations to satisfy, if they fall short of what we have represented them, we must bring our own sincerity or Judgment in question; but we should least of all describe our selves, since we are so unable to Judge rightly in that point, to commend our selves in an abominable vanity; and to discommend our selves, is to beg a complement, and both ways we put the company in pain, either to forbear laughing at our conceitedness, or to find something to say, which they think will answer our expectations, tho they do not believe one word of it themselves, but they who delight to hear no bodies tongue in motion, but their own, are liable to these and many other errors; and the most watchful may sometimes need a friend to reprimand them; for tho Conversation is the ordinary exercise of life, we must consider how small a slip in it may ruine our reputation, which is of inestimable price, and is never in more danger then when we keep company with those that have none of their own to lose; whatsoever charms they possess, if vertue is wanting, our fame will quickly be like theirs, and friendship will then divide the ill, as well as the good of this world betwixt us; why should we for any diversions incourage a reprobate person, and run the risque of being esteemed so our selves.

It is every bodies happiness to have wise friends, if they have wit enough to be advised by them; they which love truly are firm as a Diamond, and as hard to break; but some capricious people are like glass, so brittle and dangerous to touch, that it is impossible to have a correspondence with them, without being in constraint; the least punctilio that you omit, makes a flaw in the acquaintance, they are continual discontents to themselves and others; they who would keep their favour must study their humors, and dares scarce stir before them, lest they should be offended at their motions; they are fond of nothing but themselves, and being slaves to their own wills, expect their friends should be so too; we should be careful whom we receive into that intimacy; if they are well principled, the correspondency will be mingled with pleasure and profit; but amongst the generallity of people, freedom in discourse is of ill consequence, lest we furnish them with Arms to destroy us, if they become our Enemies; and we often see those that express kindness to us to day, are most ready to do us an injury to morrow, and they are capable of making the more cruel war upon us, if they know our weakness: Tho we may be sensible when we are treated ill, and shew a reasonable resentment, yet in all quarrels, we should leave a door open for reconciliation, and put a curb to all thoughts of revenge; for if we give liberty to such inclinations, we may do that in our passion that may out-ballance the delight of punishing another; and a religious person finds a greater satisfaction in pardoning, then in returning an affront, rejoicing when they have an opportunity to overcome evil with good.

But some are very far from this temper, who will take part with those that are in the wrong, if their enemies have a dispute with him, only to oppose the man they hate, not reflecting that they hurt themselves most, if he has the sense to espouse the right side; they show great folly that are against him, only for contradiction sake, which would be more inexcusable then if they did it, through a defect in their understandings; but those who are guided by virtue and goodness, will act quite otherways, knowing a positive spightfulness makes all conversation uneasy, and many times those that think to show their wit by disputing, proclaime their ill nature only, and give their adversary cause to triumph; we should rather imitate the Bee then the Spider, as the Bee industriously sucks the sweets from every flower, so let us make the best of all cross accidents, and then the counsels of our friends will prove as honey to us; but they whose envious disposition observe the worst they can in every discourse, are like the Spider that swells with the Venom, he extracts where're he goes: they that cannot bear a private, friendly reproof, are as big with conceitedness, as any of those insects I mentioned, can be with the most Poysonous Exhalation: It is a misfortune to be allied to such a Person, but when we fall into his Hands, we must not spend our Time in Fruitless Lamentations; For Complaints do often cause Disdain, and the World is so Inhumane, that instead of moving Compassion, the Injuries we Receive from one, encourages another (of as ill a principle) to accumulate our wrongs; it is best to conceal the rudenesses we suffer, and cannot remedy, and acknowledge the favours that are conferr'd upon us; which is Policy, as well as Gratitude, since it many times excites those that hear us to be as kind; but that proud heart who will not own his obligations to his friends, does justly deserve to be contemned by every body; and when he finds himself slighted upon that score, it must be an aggravation to his misery, to consider how much his own insensibility contributed to his ruine.

They who do their duties, are the best prepared to undergo what we call the frowns of fortune, and making a good use of their afflictions, will find a happy end of them; and enable us to be serene in those hurricanes of life, that are apt to shock the steddiest brain, where we can meet no haven of safety, but in the hand of Divine Providence; let us therefore wait patiently upon him, till he pleases to make a turn in our affairs, knowing that we can as much calm the raging of the Seas as alter his will.

Fretting at our Circumstances renders our Judgment less able to Act, and decays our health, a troubled water may grow clear without, but never with stirring in it; yet sorrow is scarce supportable alone, therefore they are doubly wretched that have none to ease their mind in trouble; and tho other people may be so barbarous to neglect, or use them worse for what they suffer already, if they have made a good choice in placing their friendship, they need not apprehend such a treatment; tho indeed there is so much baseness in this age, that they ought to know them very well in whom they confide.

Some are incapable of keeping a secret, their minds being like an unsealed letter, it is not prudence to commit any thing of Consequence to them; these are quickly to be found out, and are as certainly dispised; a cunning person, is yet more dangerous, for they pretend to design our interests, whilst they promote their own, tho it be to our destruction.

But religious persons will preserve their Faith inviolable to their friend, and never disclose what they are intrusted with, which gains them the esteem of all that knows it; but if they had nothing paid them, in return they will not fail to discharge a good conscience, and not only conceal their friends concerns, but account it a great felicity to be serviceable to them (as without all doubt it is a much more substantial pleasure to give, then to receive a favour) a compassionate temper never sees another in discontent, without bearing a part with him; but friendship should carry us yet further, and divide the care and grief equally betwixt us.

Nor shall you ever find me wanting in demonstrating the truth of what I have so often professed; for I did not instance these maxims as things of course; but because many of the rules suited with my own thoughts, and I shall omit no opportunity to convince you, that according to the strictest rules of Friendship,
  I am Yours.